


shadowhunters bantz

by scorpiusmalfoys



Series: mad bantz [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Asexual Raphael Santiago, Bisexual Isabelle Lightwood, Bisexual Luke, Bisexual Magnus Bane, Chatting & Messaging, Gay Alec Lightwood, Group chat, Latino Simon Lewis, Multi, Pansexual Simon Lewis, Sapphic Maia Roberts, Texting, also i love slowburn but i made saphael canon in the first chap, also theres a lot of clary bashing so if u stan clary don't read this, because i gotta have that pan rep to keep me breathing, because its fucking canon u heathens, i tried to base the messaging system off of messenger so idk, luke probs knows more text slang than he should, malec will be slowburn, okay but simno would've taught him, slight tw with raphael's constant want to die so if ur rlly suicidal dont read this, this is mess of dialogue and shitty writing and messaging
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-13 01:10:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11748981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpiusmalfoys/pseuds/scorpiusmalfoys
Summary: santia-no: putasimeme lewis: raphael nosantia-no: putosimeme lewis: stopsantia-no: stop breathinga generic chat fic because i love bandwagoning lol





	shadowhunters bantz

**Author's Note:**

> i used british school systems in this because i wrote this when i didn't have internet and the only thing i know is british school systems but if u complain reemember i have read many a harry potter fanfiction with the american school systerm and me being like lmao what the fuck  
> also if i overstep by bounds as a white person who doesn't rlly have a faith pls feel free to call me out but i tried to do a lot of research into latin american slang and i tried to call out ppl's whitewashing of simon

 

**straight is an illusion™**

_ maia, simon, magnus and raphael _

 

simeme lewis: oh shit waddup it's dat boi

not a furry: simon what the fuck

santia-no: that meme is almost as dead as i wanna be

simeme lewis: pls hurry up then

bane of ur existence: raphael is2g if u keep acting like this i will personally make sure i am the reason you die

santia-no: well then

santia-no: I WANT TO DIE

santia-no: I WANT RO DIE

santia-no: IWNAT TO DIE

santia-no: I WANT RO IDE

santia-no: I WANR TO DIE

santia-no: I WANT TO DIE

not a furry: raphael if u don't shut up i will come over to ur house and punch you my parents think i have suicidal friends

santia-no: puta

simeme lewis: raphael no

santia-no: puto

simeme lewis: stop

santia-no: stop breathing

bane of ur existence: simon i love u but that was a good one

simeme lewis: i hAVE BEEN BETRAYED

not a furry: well i for one think raphael should ChOkE

santia-no: gladly

simeme lewis: 2 against 2 bitches

santia-no: no one cares

not a furry: acTUALLY RAPHAEL I DO CARS SO SHUF THE FUCK UP

bane of ur existence: what is going on????¿??

 

_simeme lewis_ changed the group name to  **the four horsemen of the apocalypse™**

 

not a furry: it's canon

santia-no: i don't deserve this i'm a good catholic

simeme lewis: u had a haircut yesterday

santia-no: and ????

simeme lewis: in the bible it says ur not allowed to cut ur hair don't try to fool me bc i'm jewish

bane of ur existence: rapha face it this is the right name for us

santia-no: i am being ganged up on

simeme lewis: rather u than me

not a furry: i can't believe we have to merge with that shitty private school

santia-no: the whites are invading once again

simeme lewis: colonising 200.0

bane of ur existence: this is dramatic but it's true

simeme lewis: if they approach it's every man for themselves

not a furry: i'm glad we cleared that up

 

Simon walked into school trudging along seeing the lines of shiny black coaches.

“Oh fuck no,” he muttered and then ran off to find his friends.

 

**the four horsemen of the apocalypse™**

 

simeme lewis: they are here

simeme lewis: i repeat tHEY ARE HERE

not a furry: pANICCC

santia-no: fuck i forgot my holy water

bane of ur existence: i have salt in my bag

simeme lewis: is it kosher tho???

bane of ur existence: yes dw simon i got ur back

simeme lewis: true poc solidarity

not a furry: meet me outside the N block girl’s toilets

 

Simon walked to them to see Maia there looking at her phone.

“You haven't been mobbed?” Maia asked.

“No, is this meant to be like a zombie apocalypse?” Simon snorted.

“Yes, you could be infected by them,” Maia groaned. Raphael and Magnus both arrived together.

“We’re all here?” Maia asked.

“No, we’re missing your mum,” Raphael deadpanned. Maia glared at him and shoved her middle finger up at him. The bell beeped.

“Off we go to our imminent deaths,” Magnus groaned. Raphael grabbed Simon’s arm and dragged him to their form. While Magnus and Maia walked in a calm manner to their form room.

 

**the four horsemen of the apocalypse™**

 

simeme lewis: so we can all clarify that the true four horsemen of the apocalypse is being white, straight, male and privileged

not a furry: what happened ?

santia-no: simon had to sit next to this white boy who decided to whitewash him and simon burst out in colourful spanish and freaked him out

simeme lewis: i hate straight white sharks

bane of ur existence: same tbh

simeme lewis: he was kinda hot tho

bane of ur existence: no

not a furry: think about the children simon

santia-no: i'm p sure gingivitis is his gf

not a furry: who?

santia-no: this ginger girl. rlly annoying. ihave been in a room with her for 5 minutes and i'm going to throw myself out of this building

santia-no: wait her names clary

simeme lewis: clary fray ???

santia-no: yes ???

not a furry: white saviour returns

simeme lewis: we used to be best friends until she moved away to that school

not a furry: not me i hated her

simeme lewis: well i didn't used to but i do now her dads that mayor dude that's rlly mean

santia-no: did u just say mean like a child ???

simeme lewis: have u got a problem w/ me raphael

santia-no: yes

bane of ur existence: literally date already

santia-no: if u say that again i will make sure u never meet a nice person to settle down with

simeme lewis: am i that bad ?

santia-no: aesthetically no, but ur kinda annoying when u talk abt comics and shit

not a furry: 2011 facebook much

bane of ur existence: like for a rate XD

simeme lewis: am i really that annoying ?

not a furry: not as annoying as raphael’s cynicism

 

**st jonathan's gang**

_ jace, clary, alec and izzy _

 

jayway: guys this dude just yelled at me in spanish

alec firewood: what did u do now ?

howtosavealife: ditto

jayway: why do u assume i did something bad ???

jayway: okay but i did kinda assume he was white

howtosavealife: wtf dude

izzy litwood: not only this but the guy had just been walking into the room w/ his friend speaking spanish he said something abt how the other guy shouldn't be so mean idk

alec firewood: when will jace stop fucking around

jayway: his name was simon lewis that doesn't even sound remotely latino

howtosavealife: simon lewis?

izzy litwood: u know him

howtosavealife: yh we used to be best friends his other friend maia hated me

jayway: he walked in with this other guy raphael santiago?

howtosavealife: holy fuck that dudes glaring @ me rn

jayway: what does yuma mean?

izzy litwood: it's the equivalent to gringo i think they use it for white ppl universally in cuba maybe

alec firewood: jace has been here five seconds and has already pissed off someone u straights are WILD

jayway: stfu alec

alec firewood: i didn't piss off someone i have every right to talk BITCH

izzy litwood: mad bantz

alec firewood: ALERT AKERT ALERT

alec firewood: hOT GIY ALERT

alec firewood: HE HAS GLITTER IN HIS HAIR HOLY FUCK HES SO HOT

alec firewood: bye i have to go SCREAM

jayway: the first gay freak out of the term

izzy litwood: send pics ale NOW

alec firewood:  _ holyfuck.jpg _

izzy litwood: FUCK GO GRT HIM TIGER

howtosavealife: what's going on ????

alec firewood: shut up carrot i see a hot guy and i'm going to talk to him bYe

izzy litwood: thATS MY BROTHER

 

Alec approached the boy who had glitter in his hair.

“Can I help you?” the boy asked. Alec gulped nervously, he was slightly less intimidating further away.

“Sorry, I just saw you and had like a massive gay moment and I was going to just smoothly ask for your number but I don't want to sound like Jace because he's a twat who whitewashes people but yea, hi,” Alec blurted out. The other boy looked at him, “oh holy shit, I completely just assumed that your glitter and stuff meant you liked boys, wow, I just stereotyped, I’m more like Jace than I thought, just don't hit me because I can garuntee that my sister can knock you out and even though she's my step-sister we still have that sibling connection.”

“The only person I have heard talk more than you just have is Simon and even you might have just put him to shame. He has ADHD,” the boy laughed, even his laugh was pretty.

“I’m sorry,” Alec winced. The boy laughed even more.

“There's no need to be sorry, I’m Magnus,” the boy, Magnus, greeted with a smile.

“I’m Alec,” Alec said, “can I sit here?”

Magnus nodded and Alec slid the chair out and sat in it.

“Did you really say you have a step-sister who can knock me out?” Magnus snorted.

“Yep, she can, all my family are trained to fight, our mother is the captain of a police precinct. I’m better at archery and shooting to be honest,” Alec explained.

“Pretty badass,” Magnus nodded in approval.

“She's both,” Alec stated, taking out his book.

 

**the four horsemen of the apocalypse™**

 

bane of ur existence: is it okay to date a white man ?

simeme lewis: depends

bane of u rexistence: he rambles a lot and he was rlly apologetic and also he approached me abt being attracted to me ??? + he said his sister could beat me up for being homophobic and not him even tho by the size of his muscles he could do it himself ???

not a furry: sounds like a catch tbh

santia-no: i will have to survey him myself

simeme lewis: raphael we spoke abt ur weird ‘don't hurt my puesdo-brother’ talks

santia-no: and we spoke about you annoying the fuck out of me

simeme lewis: and there he goes again

bane of ur existence: date already !!!

 

Magnus snorted at his phone.

“What?” Alec asked, his brows furrowed.

“Sorry, it's just in my select group of friends there are two people with way too much romantic tension between them,” Magnus replied, brushing it off. His phone went off. It was another empty threat from Raphael.

“So why haven't you set them up?” Alec asked curiously.

“Raphael is a stubborn piece of shit and Simon wouldn't understand his feelings if they were spelt out in front of him,” Magnus answered with a sigh.

“Give me your phone,” Alec demanded. Magnus didn't know whether to be annoyed or turned on, he placed his glittery phone in Alec’s outstretched palm.

“What is your group chat name?” Alec questioned.

“It changes daily, it was Simon’s idea because we’re a mess,” Magnus explained, “also we were arguing about how I betrayed Simon for liking Raphael’s insult.”

“Okay,” Alec nodded looking down at Magnus’ phone and typing.

 

**the four horsemen of the apocalypse™**

 

santia-no: choke magnus

bane of ur existence: denying ur feelings can be v toxic

simeme lewis: it's obvious that raphael doesn't like me so just drop it before he insults me further please

bane of ur existence: it's obviously a mask because he doesn't want to get rejected which i highly doubt will happen

santia-no: why are you being a dick

bane of ur existence: look if ur going to keep denying ur feelings it won't put u in good health

simeme lewis: magnus pls just drop it

bane of ur existence: why simon? why? because ur afraid of some insult that he's going to throw at you because he's afraid of his own feelings for you

santia-no: SHUT UP

santia-no: stop interfering like you're ever so perfect magnus because ur not

santia-no: stop telling me how i feel how do u even know what ur saying is true are u psychic no

santia-no: it's clear that you can't stop interfering in my perfectly okay life because you have a sad little pathetic life where you’re lonely and need to make other people feel isolated

simeme lewis: raphael that's enough

santia-no: and you

santia-no: you aggravate me so much

santia-no: all you do is talk and talk

not a furry: stop while ur at it dude

santia-no: don't tell me what to do penjeda

santia-no: you go on and on about ur dumb comics when no one wants to hear about that shit okay, not even maia who constantly roots for you

santia-no: we get it you dated each other

santia-no: but now uve decided that i'm the brunt of ur ridicule and teasing and i KNOW that what you're doing is just bc ur bored

santia-no: and i can't help but like u bc u might be annoying but u can't do anything wrong

santia-no: ur literally friends with every ex uve ever had and u can make people like you and i've never been able to do that

santia-no: because uve got charisma and all i've got is a mask of cynicism and a huge crush on you

not a furry: bITCH

not a furry: nO

not a furry: oH MY GOD ITS HAPPENING

not a furry: 

bane of ur existence: k i'm officially in love with alexander for provoking this

not a furry: it wasn't u ???

bane of ur existence: no he just grabbed my phone and started typing

not a furry: iM SCREAMING

not a furry: MARRY HIM

simeme lewis: wait what

simeme lewis: what just happened

simeme lewis: i'm so confused

simeme lewis: holy fuck

 

The bell rang and Simon ran to find his friend. Where was he?

“Simon?” someone asked from behind him. Raphael stood there with a shy expression. Grabbing the dark haired boy’s cheeks and slamming his lips onto the other. Raphael’s eyes widened until he relaxed. The kiss was closed mouth but Simon was pressing as hard as he could, so was Raphael.

“Simon Lewis?” someone interrupted. Simon and Raphael pulled back, scowling at the person who dared interfere with their much anticipated kiss.

“It's me, Clary.”

“I am fully aware of who you are, Clarissa,” Simon seethed instinctively grabbing onto Raphael’s hand.

“Sorry did I interrupt something?”

“Yes, the most anticipated kiss of the year,” Maia said from behind Clary.

“I’m sure it's not the mos…” Clary started before she noticed the look of annoyance on Maia’s face and shut up.

“I have to tell Magnus that he should elope with that Alexander dude now,” Maia practically squealed.

 

**st jonathan’s gang**

 

howtosavealife: so…

howtosavealife: alec have u been interfering in relationships ???

alec firewood: interfering implies something negative carrot what i did was positive

izzy litwood: what has alec done now

alec firewood: UHHH EXCUSE ME

alec firewood: i managed to make the guy that glared @ clarrot confess his feelings the guy that jace assumed was white

alec firewood: + i also met a cute guy

alec firewood: im currently winning at life so u can go fuck ur selves except from izzy bc i love her

izzy litwood: alec did something gay which resulted in something gay sounds like an alec thing to do

alec firewood: my life is gay sweetie

 

_ Magnus Bane has added Alec Lightwood, Isabelle Lightwood, Clary Fray, Simon Lewis, Jace Herondale, Maia Roberts, Raphael Santiago and Luke Garroway to a new group. _

 

_ Simon Lewis has named the group:  _ **12Gy**

 

_ Simon Lewis changed their name to siwel nomis _

_ Magnus Bane has changed their name to mango bean _

_ Raphael Santiago has changed their name to teenage mutant ninja turtle _

_ Maia Roberts has changed their name to maiarine biologist _

_ Luke Garroway has changed their name to wolf dad _

 

_ mango bean has changed the group name to  _ **_12Gay_ **

 

mango bean: you know i had to do it to them

siwel nomis: gr8 meme u got there

teenage mutant ninja turtle: it would be a shame if the internet had already killed it

maiarine biologist: u have been dating for a day and u can already get in sync w/ each other

wolf dad: hey this is ur new form for this term my name is mr garroway but those who i know can call me luke if u don't i will detention u

maiarine biologist: haha wolf dad strikes again

teenage mutant ninja turtles: u fucking furries

siwel nomis: i know

siwel nomis: u know that one vine

mango bean: on all levels but physical i am a wolf

siwel nomis: *yips at the water*

Jace Herondale: what is this

siwel nomis: mAGNUS IMMA NEED THAT KOSYER SALT

maiarine biologist: bITCH

mango bean: i am sobbing oh my god

siwel nomis: i am a good jewish boy i don't deserve this g-d look i don't even type it

teenage mutant ninja turtle: i will aid u with this quest to get god to listen to u

maiarine biologist: they're probably praying in their different religious ways together how romantic

Jace Herondale: what are u on abt

wolf dad: so ur the one that hurt my son

Clary Fray: what?

wolf dad: clary?

Clary Fray: luke?

mango bean: MAGNUS

mango bean: wait alexander

mango bean: looks like si and raph are gonna have to wait because gOD IS ANSWERING ME

Isabelle Lightwood: we should introduce ourselves + say which school we came from etc

mango bean: i an magnus bane, i am a bisexual man of colour and i go to the Downworld

Clary Fray: what's the downworld

Alec Lightwood: the students’ name for Brooklyn High School

Clary Fray: okay i'm clary fray and i am an artist and i attend St Jonathan’s

maiarine biologist: im maia and u can scroll up for the rest i am a black sapphic woman and i go to the downworld

Isabelle Lightwood: ooh ooh me next

Isabelle Lightwood: i'm izzy i am an arab and latina bisexual and i'm from St Jonathan’s

Alec Lightwood: I’m Alec, I’m Izzy’s step brother, Jace’s adopted brother and I’m gay. I came from St Jonathan’s Academy.

mango bean: and also rlly hot ;)

Isabelle Lightwood: oh my god heS BLUSHING

siwel nomis: i'm simon and i am from cuba and colombia. also i'm pan + jewish and i go to the downworld

teenage mutant ninja turtle: I’m Raphael Santiago, I am Gay, Demiromantic and Asexual. I am Puerto Rican and Mexican.

I go to the Downworld.

Isabelle Lightwood: who's left ?

mango bean: uhhh

siwel nomis: the straight white shark and luke

Jace Herondale: i will ignore that comment

Jace Herondale: i am Jace and i have had like three hundred last names and i'm from st jonathan’s

wolf dad: is it me?

wolf dad: hey i'm luke i used to attend st jonathan's as a boy used to be bffs with val morgenstern but then i stopped acting white and studied english at uni then did a Secondary PGCE then started teaching at the downworld

 

**the four horsemen of the apocalypse™**

 

not a furry: damn mags ur man is cute

simeme lewis: i would add him in but that would ruin our aesthetic

santia-no: ur my aesthetic

santia-no: wait fuck no

santia-no: fuck u simon i lost my mojo

 

**12Gay**

 

Clary Fray: why is this group chat named Gay when some of us aren't

maiarine biologist: the aesthetic

siwel nomis: doing it for the vine

teenage mutant ninja turtle: because we're better than straight people tbh

mango bean: like straightie mcwhitey

Jace Herondale: what's ur problem with me

siwel nomis: bITCH

maiarine biologist: i'm hoping that was a rhetorical question

teenage mutant ninja turtle: u damn well fuckin know

Jace Herondale: it was an innocent mistake

siwel nomis: the only innocent one in this here situation is me !!!!!

siwel nomis: me an lgbt latino was whitewashed

maiarine biologist: i know sweetie

maiarine biologist: it's a lot to take for all of us

Alec Lightwood: i'm dying oh my god

Isabelle Lightwood: i love when jace fucks up

Alec Lightwood: it's so funny bc he's like wHaT dId I dO wRoNg

Isabelle Lightwood: and then the person is  like biTCH WHERE DO I START

Alec Lightwood: izzys on the floor rn

_ Isabelle Lightwood changed their name to LIGHT of ur life _

_ Alec Lightwood changed their name to i need WOOD _

mango bean: wow

maiarine biologist: look alec there's one person we ALL know who would be down to give u that

siwel nomis: magnus babe

teenage mutant ninja turtle: uh si it's magnus BANE

siwel nomis:

Clary Fray: simon what does ur nickname mean?

Clary Fray: is it like latin or something

siwel nomis: do i look like i know latin

siwel nomis: i know HEBREW dumbass

teenage mutant ninja turtle: ahahahahahahah

maiarine biologist: r u rlly that dumb

siwel nomis: who

maiarine biologist: crusty fry-up who else ??

siwel nomis: ah okay

mango bean: bc i'm not a DICK i will explain

mango bean: it's simon’s name backwards

siwel nomis: like jace’s ideas

maiarine biologist: WHOOP

teenage mutant ninja turtle: who wouldn't want to be dick gansey the 3rd

siwel nomis: adam parrish

maiarine biologist: ronan lynch

mango bean: blue sargent

teenage mutant ninja turtle: okay i get it

teenage mutant ninja turtle: jesus christ

siwel nomis: gasp

maiarine biologist: did raphael ‘i am a good catholic’ santiago just use the lord’s name in vain???

teenage mutant ninja turtle: jesus isn't the fucking lord u dickasses

siwel nomis: raphael its dumbasses

teenage mutant ninja turtle: 

siwel nomis: gasp

siwel nomis: my own gif against me ????

siwel nomis:

mango bean: simon rlly doesn't understand the concept of not double texting

siwel nomis: that was three times puto

mango bean: this is why we don't swap germs w/ raph

teenage mutant ninja turtle: pls simon's just celebrating his latin american heritage

siwel nomis: hahaha gringos

siwel nomis: except isabelle and raphael bc obvs

siwel nomis: oh + luke + maia bc ily

siwel nomis: but especially to JACE

siwel nomis: also except alec bc he set me up w/ my boy <3

siwel nomis: so rlly just to magnus, clary and jace

teenage mutant ninja turtles: my mans was raised to be polite

maiarine biologist: ur mans was raised to be a pushover

teenage mutant ninja turtle: MAIA I WILL FIGHT U

wolf dad: NOT IN MY PUB

siwel nomis: lmao what’s a pub

wolf dad: like a british bar

wolf dad: idk it was on this show called eastenders

mango bean: i lOVE EASTENDERS OM G

mango bean: gET OUTTA MY PUB

maiarine biologist: i wanna own a bar

maiarine biologist: but also be a marine biologist

siwel nomis: u can do both sweetie

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry this is a mess :/  
> also i know kosher salt is mainly used to put on kosher meat i researched it but i just wanted a way to address simon's jewish faith and what better way to do it than to accuse the literal ppl who have canonic angel blood of being demons  
> i keep adding stuff to this but david castro is puerto rican so i just decided to add that to raphael's character idk it's kind of weird and emeraude isn't just latinx so added that in as well and i tried to fix the mess of the lightwood family slightly + i will try more when i add more chapters


End file.
